i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
