you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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