look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
They are going to name an STD after you.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
