dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Pants are for mortals
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
