My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
