the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
