Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
