I want to stick my p in your. b.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize