i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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