Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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