Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You ruined the universe
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
