It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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