this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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