I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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