Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
