So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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