508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
