In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
this boner is exhausting
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
