I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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