Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize