Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
