Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
