meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
