last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
