update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
