i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Can I color on your dick again?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
