I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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