im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
