Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
