Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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