he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
