I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
