when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
