Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
