i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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