just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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