You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
