Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
