The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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