i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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