You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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