There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
