I'm pants shitting drunk right now
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
