saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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