On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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