If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
