can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize