it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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