my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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