I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
