Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
