Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
