Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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