Will you blow on my dice?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize