He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
