I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
