oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize