Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
