The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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