I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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